All my life I’ve dreamed of having a roadie father a little boy or girl for me, but when I reached adulthood, I just couldn’t fit meeting a roadie into my schedule. After all, when you’re like me, a top female exec for a Fortune 500 company, who has the time to hang out all night by the sports arena loading dock? Thank goodness there’s Road Warrior Biologicals.

Road Warrior Biologicals. The biological bank with a difference…

Oh, sure. I could have had a child the easy way – Marry an alpha-male, do the honeymoon thing and hope for the best. But why have an ordinary child when you can have a roadie’s child? The child of a man who has worked for Neil Diamond or Oasis? That’s what I call a “no brainer.”

While other biological depositories offer personal histories of their donors, such as ancestral lineage and family members judged criminally insane, Road Warrior Biologicals is the only depository that gives you a complete, show-by-show rundown of each and every contributor, including per diems earned and miles traveled. Choose from roadies who have worked for the greatest musical acts of all time, including The Allman Brothers Band, Dave Matthews Band and Van Morrison…

There were so many donors to pick from! Roadies who have worked on tours by The Rolling Stones and Paul McCartney! Lighting techs for Bruce Springsteen! Guitar techs for Joe Satriani! Their list of donors was incredible!

Plus, every biological specimen at Road Warriors Biologicals comes with its own certificate of authenticity, not only detailing which artists and bands the donor has worked for, but physical attributes as well, such as lifting strength, stamina, and beer consumption…

I just couldn’t make up my mind! Did I want a 250 pound drum tech who worked for Alanis Morissette and could drink his weight in Guinness? Or did I want a wiry, 160 pound, six-foot-two, chain-smoking Adonis who worked for Bob Dylan and could climb up onto a lighting truss in six seconds flat? Gosh. Talk about a win / win situation!

Plus, while those other biological depositories only offer you a donor specimen and a list of obstetricians, Road Warrior Biologicals is the only depository that includes a list of names suitable for your roadie offspring…

Lessee… Three-Finger Frankie… Lefty Leonard… Louie The Limp… Stubs Salvatore… Crispy Chris… And that’s just the first page!

Why settle for ordinary when your next child can be the direct descendent of a roadie who has worked for Brian Wilson or Coldplay? Call Road Warrior Biologicals today…

I can’t wait for when my little bundle of roadie joy is old enough to go to daycare. All the other mothers will be soooo jealous!

Operators standing by…

Wanna see a picture of my son with his first tool belt?

Road Warrior Biologicals. Duct tape sold separately.