“It all started back during the first Gulf War,” says General Buck Turgidson from his office at the Pentagon. “An interrogation of one of Sadam’s Republican Guard members was going nowhere fast. That is, until the interrogator absentmindedly started singing Neil Diamond’s ‘You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore.’ Suddenly, the prisoner was talking like there was no tomorrow. Which, for the prisoner, was entirely accurate.”

Yes, it’s music. Long referred to as “soothing the savage breast,” music has become a useful tool on the war against terrorism, where U.S. interrogators are finding that a CD or a music video played when the prisoner is at his or her most vulnerable, often loosens the tongue and makes even the most resistant subject sing like a bird.

“We had this one guy in custody during our little excursion into Bosnia. A real character,” relates Air Force Brigadier General Jack D. Ripper (retired). “We couldn’t get a thing from him. Not even his name, rank or serial number. However, after 24 hours of playing nothing but that Styx hit, ‘Mr. Roboto,’ the man broke down and begged us to take his confession.”

What may be even more amazing is that there isn’t any particular music that works best when it comes to interrogating the enemy. Country, hip-hop, jam bands – every prisoner seems to have his or her tolerance when it comes to being interrogated with music. According to Defense Department sources, some prisoners can listen to John Lennon all day long, only to break down once they hear Paul McCartney sing ‘Silly Love Songs,’ while others might be especially susceptible to anything The Rolling Stones recorded since Ron Wood joined the band. When it comes to using music for interrogations, there are no hard-fast rules.

“Journey, Toby Keith, Bob Dylan, you name the band or artist, and I’ve got a story about a successful interrogation,” says General Turgidson. “Like this one dude during the Afghanistan conflict. His lips were zipped tighter than a promoter’s ticket count. Then we started showing him videotaped repeats of The Osbournes, and goosed him with an electrified cattle prod every time Ozzy either swore, or called out for Sharon. Heck, that was two years ago and the guy’s still talking today. They can’t shut him up.”

Are music interrogations examples of “cruel and unusual punishments?” Or is subjecting prisoners to songs by Alanis Morissette or U2 perfectly acceptable under the Geneva Convention? Already, at least one complaint has been filed with Amnesty International, and there are rumors that there are more to follow.

“I know about that complaint,” says General Ripper. “The CIA sat a suspected terrorist down, pried his eyelids open with toothpicks, and then made him watch a Whitesnake video, that one with Tawny Kitaen draped over the car hood, for 72 hours straight. I hear he’s been curled up in a fetal position, sucking his thumb ever since.”

However, while controversial, it should be mentioned that interrogations are performed solely to keep America safe from her enemies. With that in mind, we asked General Turgidson if there was any music that they would not play when interrogating an enemy combatant.

“That’s a tough question,” answers the general. “We haven’t been doing this long enough to know which artists or songs will force a prisoner to spill his guts to us. That’s why we hit them with everything. Pearl Jam, Michael Buble, Ted Nugent. We blast them with rock, then we blast them with jazz and country. Whatever works is whatever works.”

Does that mean that there’s nothing the military won’t play for a prisoner in order to get him or her to talk? That there’s nothing too cruel or too inhumane?

“Well, not exactly,” says Turgidson. “Sure, we may subject a prisoner to non-stop Avril Lavigne or American Hi-Fi, but even we have our limits. I mean, we’d never force a prisoner to watch Chaotic. You know, that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline reality TV show? After all, when it comes to interrogating prisoners, you have to draw the line somewhere.”