Do you think you’re innocent of all crimes, past, present and future? Do you think you’ll never see the inside of a jail, never stand before the judge as he sets bail, or do hard time while watching your tail?

Think again.

There are currently over 4,500 laws related to concert crimes in the United States. Granted, some of these laws are outdated and are considered to be relics from another era. Nevertheless, these laws are still on the books, and you never know when some bright young assistant to the district attorney might be looking at you as a potential feather in his cap.

For example, seven counties in New Hampshire currently have laws making it illegal to feed support acts after 8:00 p.m. Ridiculous, you say? Just ask Bradley Rogers, who’s currently doing six months in the slammer for tossing a piece of beef jerky to the Shout Out Louds while the band warmed up the audience for Kings Of Leon last month. Sure, he meant well. However, the law is the law, and Mr. Rogers has four months to go before he rejoins his neighborhood.

The same goes for Wendy Snyder of Central California. Ms. Snyder, a life-long Neil Diamond fan, recently ran afoul of an obscure ordinance prohibiting lustful thoughts during encores. Her sentence? Sixty days in the county jail plus 100 hours of community service spent picking up empty six-pack rings at venues hosting this year’s Ozzfest tour.

And there are more laws. Laws preventing audience members from taking more than two bathroom breaks during headliner sets still exist in Pennsylvania, while an ordinance requiring headline acts like Jimmy Buffett and Oasis to play at least five top ten hits per each hour of their performances is still enforced in southern Alabama. Then there’s the local law in Remus, Michigan, which requires all performers to refrain from spending more than ten minutes per show talking instead of singing, thus preventing U2 and Bruce Springsteen from ever playing the town’s annual goiter festival.

What to do? First off, as the old saying goes, ignorance of the law is no excuse. In other words, know your local laws and ordinances before you buy tickets for Juliana Hatfield or Martha Wainwright. Watch out for ambiguous laws such as the no-flatulence ordinance in Bakersfield, California, or the big hair restrictions in Casper, Wyoming. This summer’s concert season can be the best ever. That is, if you know your local laws.

And be thankful you’re not living in Rockville, Maryland, where a 120-year-old local ordinance not only prohibits concert goers from spitting, chewing, hollering or spewing, but also requires that all concert constables wear dog costumes while on duty. The local city council claims the costumes are necessary so that the police department can “take a bite out of crime.”

However, we like to think of it as the long arm of the paw.