Sykes, the first African-American woman and the only out gay person to ever perform at the event, ribbed President Obama, the media and prominent Republicans.

On shirtless photos of the President:

“It’s funny to me that they never caught you smoking, but they somehow always catch you with your shirt off. I know you’re into this transparency thing, but I don’t need to see your nipples. Is there a beach at Camp David? What the hell? You know there was never a nipple portrait of Lincoln!”

On the Obamas’ attempts to make their family’s life in the White House as normal as possible:

“I wouldn’t be surprised if I walked past the White House and saw you mowing the lawn. Don’t let him get a John Deere, please.”

On the President’s close relationship with Vice President Joe Biden:

“I think you hang out too much. What was that, you and Joe Biden out gettin’ hamburgers? The two of you can’t hang out together! I mean whose idea was that? Nancy Pelosi? ‘Hey, why don’t you boys go out and get a bite?’ You know she was a Hillary supporter, what’s wrong with you?”

On President Bush’s low profile since leaving office:

“I gotta say, President Bush, he knows how to leave town, right? I mean we haven’t heard anything from him. He’s just quiet. He left like that houseguest that breaks something in your house and then hurries up and gets out of there before you find out.”

On frequent Obama critic and talk show host Rush Limbaugh:

“I think Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker but he was just so strung out on OxyContin he missed his flight. He needs a good waterboarding – that’s what he needs.”

On Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who was on the guest list but “pulled out at the last minute”:

“Somebody should tell her that’s not really how you practice abstinence.”

Here’s Sykes’ complete speech:

Not to be outdone, President Obama mocked everyone, including himself, and kept the celebrity-laden crowd in stitches.

On his chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, who’s well-known for his expletive-laced rants:

“[Mother’s Day] is a tough holiday for Rahm Emanuel because he’s not used to saying the word ‘day’ after ‘mother.’”

On the massively boneheaded New York City flyover by Air Force One:

“Sasha and Malia aren’t here tonight because they’re grounded. You can’t just take Air Force One on a joy ride to Manhattan. I don’t care whose kids you are.”

On Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele’s attempts to update the GOP’s image:

“Michael Steele is in the house tonight. Or as he would say, ‘In the heezy.’ Wasssuuup?

“Michael for the last time, the Republican Party does not qualify for a bailout. Rush Limbaugh does not count as a troubled asset, I’m sorry.”

On he of the Oompa Loompa-like tan, House Minority Leader John Boehner:

“We have a lot in common. He is a person of color. Although not a color that appears in the natural world.”

On former-Vice President Dick Cheney (who’s been making the rounds on news programs dropping some pretty hilarious statements himself):

“Dick Cheney was supposed to be here, but he is very busy working on his memoirs, tentatively titled, ‘How to Shoot Friends and Interrogate People.’”

And finally, on himself and his reputation among his adoring followers:

“I believe that my next 100 days will be so successful I will be able to complete them in 72 days. And on the 73rd day, I’m going to rest.”

Here’s President Obama’s complete monologue: