First, The Boss:

“I bought a bourgeois house in the Hollywood hills
With a truckload of hundred thousand dollar bills
Man came by to hook up my cable TV
We settled in for the night my baby and me
We switched ’round and ’round ’til half-past dawn
There was fifty-seven channels and nothin’ on.”

Oh if only it were still that simple Bruce. I don’t know about the rest of you, but my cable service has about oh, roughly 400 channels. So if that’s the case with the rest of the country, how does this happen?

The top 15 programs on cable networks as compiled by Nielsen Media Research for the week of July 13-19:

1. “Home Run Derby” ESPN, 5.86 million homes, 8.25 million viewers.

2. “Wizards on Deck with Hannah Montana” Disney, 5.80 million homes, 9.29 million viewers.

3. “The Closer” TNT, 4.75 million homes, 6.59 million viewers.

4. “Burn Notice” USA, 4.63 million homes, 6.66 million viewers.

5. “Royal Pains” USA, 4.48 million homes, 6.23 million viewers.

6. “Home Run Derby Prelude” ESPN, 4.37 million homes, 6.07 million viewers.

7. “Hannah Montana” Disney, 3.98 million homes, 6.09 million viewers.

8. “SpongeBob Squarepants” Nickelodeon, 3.74 million homes, 5.37 million viewers.

9. “WWE Raw” USA, 3.72 million homes, 5.52 million viewers.

10. “SpongeBob Squarepants” Nickelodeon, 3.65 million homes, 5.17 million viewers.

11. “SpongeBob Squarepants” Nickelodeon, 3.58 million homes, 4.95 million viewers.

12. “SpongeBob Squarepants” Nickelodeon, 3.49 million homes, 5.09 million viewers.

13. “SpongeBob Squarepants” Nickelodeon, 3.48 million homes, 4.67 million viewers.

14. “SpongeBob Squarepants” Nickelodeon, 3.37 million homes, 4.47 million viewers.

15. “SpongeBob Squarepants” Nickelodeon, 3.35 million homes, 4.68 million viewers.

That’s right, seven of the top 15 spots in the entire country are held by a talking yellow kitchen utensil and two are owned by the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus. Got that? Billy Ray Cyrus.

I’ll admit I love SpongeBob as much as the next overgrown 10-year-old, but if I didn’t know better, I’d think there was a sinister plot afoot.

Thursday, July 23
David Cook – “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” – rerun
Christopher Guest, Harry Shearer, Michael McKean – “The Tavis Smiley Show” – rerun
Jen Kirkman – “Chelsea Lately”
Eric Hutchinson – “The Bonnie Hunt Show” – rerun
Ginuwine with Missy Elliott – “Late Show with David Letterman”
Jason Aldean – “The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien”
Kevin Nealon, Demi Lovato,Twisted Sister – “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon”
David Cassidy, Sean Cassidy, La Roux – “Jimmy Kimmel Live!”
Nico Stai – “Last Call with Carson Daly” – rerun

Friday, July 24
Joan Baez – “The Tavis Smiley Show” – rerun
John Caparulo, Heather McDonald, Brody Stevens – “Chelsea Lately”
Darius Rucker – “The Hour with George Stroumboulopoulos” – rerun
Judy Collins – “Late Show with David Letterman”
De La Soul – “The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien”
John Mulaney – “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon”
Jim Breuer – “Late Late Show with Craig Fergsuon”
The Pains of Being Pure at Heart – “Last Call with Carson Daly” – rerun

Saturday, July 25
Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings, Carolyn Wonderland – “Austin City Limits” – rerun
Tracy Morgan, Kelly Clarkson – “Saturday Night Live” – rerun