Because I like you, we’ll start with the good. Actually, good is probably an understatement, because apparently when Tim Burton calls and asks for help, people listen. The list of musical contributors to Burton’s “Alice” reads like a who’s who of cutting edge acts.

Among the artists re-imagining songs from the classic animated Walt Disney version of “Alice” are Avril Lavigne, All-American Rejects, Owl City, Shinedown, All Time Low, Metro Station, Tokio Hotel, Kerli, 3OH!3, Neon Hitch, The Cure’s Robert Smith, Mark Hoppus, Pete Wentz, Plain White T’s, Franz Ferdinand, Motion City Soundtrack, Wolfmother and Grace Potter and the Nocturnals.

The mind-blowing collection, Almost Alice, is scheduled to hit the streets March 2, with lead single, Lavigne’s “Alice (Underground),” arriving early next month.

Now on to the bad. The really, really spectacularly bad.

Ladies and gentlemen, 2010 is only 12 days old and it gives me absolutely no pleasure at all to announce we already have an undisputed champion for worst album of the year (actually, unless Sarah Palin decides to go into hip-hop or Nancy Pelosi finds her inner club diva, it’ll probably end up the worst album of the decade).

I now present for your extreme discomfort and displeasure, “I’ll Do It,” the first track from Heidi Montag’s debut album, Superficial. (Ya’ gotta love truth in advertising.)

Now can someone please tell me why she sounds like a contestant from “RuPaul‘s Drag Race”? Is that on purpose? I’m not sure I’ve EVER heard a female singer who sounds like a man trying to sound like a woman. (I just gave myself a headache.)

As anyone in the Pollstar office can tell you, I can listen to just about anything and I actually enjoy some music that would send most people screaming for the exits. But I’m drawing the line here. Whoever is responsible for allowing this album to be released on an unsuspecting public needs to be strapped into a chair and forced to listen to it repeatedly for the next year or until their brain burns out.

What’s really amazing is that this abomination took three years to make. Wow. All that time and it still sounds like this? Somebody call the people at the “Guinness Book of World Records.”

Without a trace of irony, Montag told People magazine, “”I want to make the new 2010 version of a pop star. I want to become a galaxy star.”

Heidi hon, you definitely made something, but people usually attach the phrase “steaming pile of” to things like this.

So here’s the track in all its glory, streaming at People’s Web site. Check it out for yourself. (Please note the “empowering” lyrics the Heid-ster composed for this piece of audio spam.) And don’t say you weren’t warned.

Oh, look at the time. 15 minutes just don’t seem to last as long as they used to, do they?