With some help from four self-proclaimed Jackson “super fans,” celebrity medium Derek Acorah held an on-air séance Friday night on the U.K.’s Sky1 to contact the singer in the great beyond.

I’m not making this up, I swear. (Nobody would believe it if I did anyway.) And believe it or not, as absurd as the idea sounds, it was actually worse.

During the painful, one-hour exercise in the foolishness of people with too much free time on their hands, Acorah – who claimed MJ was speaking through him – revealed that, among other things, the King of Pop is “furious” that his final resting place isn’t near his idol, Marilyn Monroe.

“I wished to lie alongside her. I suppose it’s of no consequence,” Acorah-cum-Jackson told the group of teary-eyed Jacko wackos. (Hmm, MJ has apparently assumed a British syntax when speaking. Kind of like Madonna when she moved to England.)

Other earth-shattering news delivered by Jackson from his new home beyond the River Styx included what he was doing when Acorah contacted him (singing “Heal the World”) and who he’s knocking around with in the great beyond (his grandparents).

Whatever the rest of us might think of the validity of this exercise, one of the “super fans” sitting at the table holding hands (two of whom were dressed like MJ, btw) was convinced.

“I looked into Derek’s eyes and it was him,” she said near the end of the show.

Okay, I can’t write about this silliness anymore and ever have any hope of being able to face my friends again. Just watch this clip of the live séance yourself.