We start out the day with a big breakfast served up by the finest chefs in the land. We chow down on eggs Benedict while we look over the dates for the Eagles, we munch on kippers while processing the schedules for Travis Tritt and John Butler Trio on our laptops and we knock back glass after glass of champagne while inspecting the changes for Petula Clark.

But that’s just the beginning.

Following the after-breakfast massages we head out to the pool, where we dictate the routings for John Mayer Trio and Ben Folds to our migrant workers as we float on air mattresses and bask in the hot California sun. Thank God for our custom English-to-Canadian translation software or we’d have to enter the data ourselves.

After all that work you can bet we’re a hungry bunch by the time lunch rolls around. That’s why we have our own Pollstar.com cattle ranch and slaughterhouse adjacent to the compound. Heck, we even get to pick out our own cows. Just another well-deserved perk when you work as hard as we do at updating the schedules for M. Ward and Lifehouse.

If the morning workload seems like a back-breaker, the afternoons are worse. Not only do we have to update the schedules for Jethro Tull and Liz Phair, but we also have to meet in the main auditorium and view the latest tour date training films. Today we’re studying Egyptian nightclubs in The Mummy Returns, and next week we’ll be learning about Tokyo venues in Lost In Translation. Sure, the training films can be boring, but at least we have stadium seating.

The movies are usually over by 5 p.m., which gives us just enough time to process Gwen Stefani and Black Eyed Peas before quitting time. Of course, our employers have to inspect each and every itinerary before they can give us our cash bonuses for the day. However, lately our employers have been slacking on the proofreading, preferring instead to just toss $100 bills out in the courtyard next to the fully stocked bar. Guess they don’t want us to forget who’s boss.

So that’s what Saturdays are like at Pollstar.com. Gathering tour dates for bands like Dash Rip Rock and Queensryche can be tough going, but champagne, fresh meat and C-notes kind of make up for working on a Saturday.

That is, as long as we’re paid overtime.