Perhaps you’ve seen the latest government findings claiming that overexposure to tour dates, such as the routings for Spookie Daly Pride and the Plea For Peace tour, may cause shortness of breath, heart palpitations and, for some people, even hallucinations.

Well, duh! Why do you think they call them tour dates?

We won’t lie to you. When it comes to tour schedules, like the ones for Incubus and Little Feat, you’re talking about some very potent stuff. Sure, the government report says that scientists observed bizarre brain wave fluctuations as well as temporary bipolar disorders coupled with increased appetites when they force-fed their Canadian test subjects their body weight in Anthrax dates. But those were isolated incidents and are not representative of the total tour date experience. So, you can trust us when we say there’s no need to worry, and you can ignore all those public service announcements urging you to “just say no” to the dates for the Great High Mountain Tour.

After all, logic dictates that if tour dates were really dangerous, we’d be the first to know and the last to tell you. When you consider the number of dates we handle on any given day, like the ones for Prince or Little Texas, if the government’s findings were true we would have bought the farm years ago. So there’s no need to stay off the dates for Supergrass or The Grass Roots Starring Rob Grill.

In fact, we’ve been handling tour dates since 1931 and if any of these listings, such as the routings for Transcendental Hayride or Incubus, were actually harmful, we’d… we’d… Look out! Here they come again! The giant ostriches flapping their leathery wings while their lizard-like tongues dart in and out, looking for fresh meat! Duck! For the love of God, duck!

Whew! That was close. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah, tour dates. As you can plainly see, all these tour dates, like the ones for Indigo Girls and Manhattan Transfer, are perfectly harmless. Of course, it’s up to each and every one of you to make your own decisions. You can abstain from the schedules for Randy Travis and Lil’ Ed & The Blues Imperials and have a brain that’s totally tour-date free. Or you can dive right in and read the 58,000 or so dates for bands like G3, Eddie Money and Apples In Stereo and have a brain like ours. And as you can see… Oh, oh, Lock the doors, everybody! The squirrels are massing. And they’re vengeful! Grab the guns! Lock and load! Pass the ammunition and… and… Oh, never mind. They’re gone. We’re safe. We think.

Any questions?