In fact, you probably wouldn’t want to know me. I’m nothing special. I don’t stand out in a crowd, and most people forget my name as soon as I tell them. I don’t have any friends, my own parents can’t remember my birthday and I haven’t had… well, you know, since, well, never.

That’s right. I’m the most boring man in the world.

Dullsville. That’s the story of my life. All I do is get up, go to work, go home, sleep, repeat five, maybe six times a week. You see, I’m a federal concert inspector. It’s my job to check out all the current tours, like Bob Weir & Ratdog or Simon & Garfunkel, and make sure that the performances meet or exceed the current government concert guidelines. No matter which act – Danko Jones, Toots & The Maytals or Metallica – You’ll find me front row, center, timing the guitar solos, measuring the lead singer strut factor and gauging the drum solo / bathroom break ratios. Sure, it’s a boring job, but somebody, well, you know.

When I’m not working you’ll find me at home with my 29 Chihuahuas. Actually, I never planned on having so many dogs, but I adopted two of them when I read about the pack of Chihuahuasfound floating on an iceberg in the North Atlantic. Now I have 29 of them. 29 feral, inbred Chihuahuas waiting to swarm all over me when I get home from work like a school of hungry piranha going to town on dead horse. Kind of like a canine version of Deliverance. That’s how boring my life is.

So if I’m not spending my time inspecting concerts by bands like Saves The Day or Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, I’m home taking care of my Chihuahuas. That is, if I’m not down at the local emergency room being treated for dog bites, scratches and maulings. Yeah, hardly a day goes by when I’m not getting stitches, having broken bones set or getting a limb reattached. Work, dogs, E.R. That’s the story of my life.

But one day I’m going to break out of this mold. I’m going to add some excitement to my life, for man does not live by concerts, dogs and rabies shots alone. I’m going to add some pizzazz to my existence, some zing to my daily routine. I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but I’ve got to liven up my life, for if I don’t break out of this concert-dog-doctor cycle I’ll go nuts.

Hmmm… Maybe I should get a cat.