We were reminded of that the other day when one of our most valued employees, operator #6128, collapsed at his desk after entering the latest dates for Rick Springfield. Usually in a situation like this one, our on-site doctor would take over, but she was busy attending a psychological seminar geared toward training medical personnel on how to treat workers obsessed with Gary Condit, and wasn’t expected back in the office for at least a couple of more weeks.

The first step was to gather the employee’s unfinished work, including the schedules for Widespread Panic and The Rapture, and distribute it to the other data entry operators. Believe you me, we learned that valuable lesson last year when our offices were almost shut down due to an unexpected outbreak of Lycanthropy. Yes, things were quite hairy back then.

After we cleared operator #6128’s workstation, we laid the worker’s body prone across his desk, taking extra care not to damage the 32-inch flat screen monitor or smudge the ink on the routings for Martin Simpson and Keely Smith. As you can guess, he wasn’t a pretty site. His body was convulsing, his eyes had rolled back into his head and he kept muttering lyrics from David Lee Roth songs. He was clearly delirious.

Fortunately, operator #712 had recently finished his medical studies via an unaccredited university located somewhere in the Bahamas. After he finished entering new dates for Guitar Shorty and George Winston, he pried the poor soul’s mouth open, grabbed a couple of tablets of Viagra that he had bought on the Net, and jammed them down the guy’s throat. “Heck,” he exclaimed. “If this stuff can keep Bob Dole on his feet, it can cure anything!”

Sure enough, it wasn’t long before operator #6128 was back in action and punching in the itineraries for Steve Phillips, DC Talk and Black Umfolosi. Thanks to the unaccredited medical skills of operator #712, our sick employee was in the pink. And thanks to the Viagra, he now has five dates lined up for later this week. Another problem solved, and we owed it all to the Net.

Now, some of you may take exception to things like buying pharmaceuticals over the Web and unaccredited universities dispensing instant medical degrees, but our little emergency showed us that the Internet is truly a wondrous place, and if given the chance, the answer to all of life’s problems.

Besides, if operator #712 was, shall we say, “unsuccessful” in treating operator #6128, then operator #213 was standing by. You see, operator #213 had just received his certificate declaring him an unaccredited, legally ordained minister, giving him the necessary skills not only to perform marriages and baptisms, but to deliver the Last Rites as well. As you can see, we were covered on both ends.

And we owe it all to the Internet.