“Howdy! My name is Smith.”

“And I’m Wesson.”

“And we’re here to talk about the two things we love most; concerts.”

“And guns!”

“Yes, there’s nothing I like better than the feel of a front row ticket for Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers.”

“Or the cold hard steel of a 357 Magnum.”

“Wesson, did you know The Eagles are playing Europe and the U.K. this year? I’m thinking of taking my vacation in England and catching one of their London shows at Earls Court Arena.”

“That reminds me, Smith, I just picked up a Desert Eagle. It’s an Israeli 44 Mag and it slices through those desert tanks like they were butter.”

That’s what makes America great, Wesson. It’s a land where we can buy tickets for U2, Eric Clapton and Ike Turner.”

“And great big guns like a 30-06 M1 Grand main battle rifle and a 10 gauge Winchester shotgun.”

“Yes, it’s a great land but lately I’ve been feeling a bit depressed.”

“Depressed? Heck, Smith, you should do what I do when I’m feeling low. Go out and buy yourself a gun, like a 44 Automag.”

“I don’t think that’s gonna help, Wesson. I’m depressed over the number of people who scalp tickets for shows like Link 80 or AC / DC. They buy them at the box office then turn around and sell them at outrageous prices. There ought to be a law.”

“There you go again, Smith, wanting the government to solve all your problems. You know as well as I do that when ticket scalping is illegal only scalpers will have tickets.”

“Maybe so, Wesson, but I can’t help but think the world would be a much better place if we could get all the tickets we want at reasonable prices. A well-ticketed society is a polite society.”

“Cheer up, Smith. After all, think of the ones less fortunate than yourself. They don’t have tickets for 3 Doors Down, Sally Taylor or Run-D.M.C., nor do they have any guns like a Browning automatic rifle, or a Walther PPK for when they dress up for a night on the town.”

“You’re absolutely right, Wesson. Sometimes we forget how fortunate we are to live in this country. Well, I can see we’ve run out of time. I’m Smith.”

“And I’m Wesson.”

“And that’s tonight’s show about concerts.”

“And guns!”

“And remember, folks, stand up for your concertutional rights. There’s a lot of people out there who want to keep good concerts like Ozzfest from playing in your town.”

“Or they want to limit you to one gun purchase a month.”

“When that happens around here, do you know what I tell them? I say, ‘You can have my Insane Clown Posse tickets…'”

“When you pry them from my cold, dead hands.”

“Goodnight, everybody!”