“Hey, Heave, have you seen Uncle Henry?”

“Uh…, I sort of had to lock him in the tool shed, Wally.”

“Oh, Heaver, not again. Not after the trouble you caused when you locked up Lumpy and forgot to feed him. Don’t you remember what the D.A said? That if you ever did this again, he’d try you as an adult?”

“I had to lock up Uncle Henry, Wally. He tried to trick me into eating laxative-laced cookies. He was going to steal my Crazy Town and Extreme Steel Tour tickets once I was powerless to stop him.”

“Come on, Heave, you said you didn’t hear the voices anymore. Uncle Henry’s harmless. He’s just a smelly old guy.”

“That’s the smell of hundreds of little kids who fell for his evil scheme. Once they eat those cookies, he gets their tickets for AC/DC and they get a trip down the Hershey highway to hell.”

“I don’t think Dad’s gonna like this, Heave. Oh, oh, here he is now.”

“Heaver? I just found Uncle Henry tied up to the lawnmower in the tool shed. What did I tell you about respecting your elders?”

“Stand back! I’m warning you! You’ll never get my Mindy McCready tickets. Never!”

“Okay, Heaver, have it your way. Wally, get my tranquilizer gun while I call 911.”

Will Heaver ever calm down? Are the voices in his head more than just the sounds of Sepultura and Olivia Newton-John emanating from his Diamond Rio? And why do old men smell the way they do, anyway? Join us next week when Uncle Henry has a heart-to-heart talk with the Heaver…

“You have the right idea, Heaver, but your chronology is all wrong. Nixon came first, followed by KISS, then disco, which resulted in Ronald Reagan being elected in 1980.”

“Gosh, Uncle Henry. Dad was right. You really do know a lot of stuff. But I still don’t understand the difference between the Shriners and the Masons.”

“It’s simple, Heaver. The Shriners pick the Oscars and the Masons, the Grammys. However, between you and me, I think they’re both controlled by the face on Mars.”

That’s coming up next week on “Leave It To Heaver!”