“Do you have one for me?” asks Mother as she walks in and pecks him on the cheek.

“Yes,” replies Father, “but you’ll have to wear your Hilary wig.”

“Which one?” asks Mother. “The Hilary Rosen or the Hillary Clinton wig?”

“Oh, the Hilary Rosen wig, of course,” says Father. “You know what that solitary ‘L’ in the first name does to me. Wear that wig and treat me like a Napster user. I’ve been a very bad music pirate.”

Mother laughs and gives her trademarked “Oh, you,” response just as the Twins, Missy and Junior, rush in from the bathroom. “Can we see Squirrel Nut Zippers and Samantha 7 Featuring CC DeVille?” they ask.

“Only if you gather more credit card numbers by posing as charity telemarketers,” answers Father, sending the twins to the family boiler room arguing over who gets the better faux charity. Missy eventually wins with her pick to gather donations for the huddled masses of the dot-com nouveau poor.

“I’m afraid we still don’t have enough money for Supagroup,” says Mother as she pulls out a hip flask for her morning eye-opener. Father tells her not to worry, that he’s downloaded more Beck songs to sell as cut-rate CDs at the office. “Besides,” Father adds, “Bernie in accounting still owes me for that Britney Spears CD, along with those doctored pictures.”

Later, during the morning coffee break at the office, Bernie tells Father that he already spent the money on tickets for ‘N Sync and Christina Aguilera. Father tells Bernie not to worry, then knees him in the groin. “There are other ways to collect a debt,” says Father as he leaves a moaning Bernie curled up in a fetal position on the floor. “And some ways are even more satisfying than cash.”

That night at dinner, Junior brags that he’s the top student in his computer class, and that he’s just a couple of digits away from hacking the encryption on the online ticket service. “I should have those tickets for Creed and Bettie Serveert by the middle of next week,” he says as he helps himself to another slice of meat.

Mother downs her last martini of the day and mentions that the family is scheduled to help shut-ins with their fall cleaning on Saturday morning. “And don’t forget to vacuum under the sofa cushions,” reminds Father. “All that loose change will help pay the service charges for Misfits and Diana Krall.”

“Gee whiz,” replies Missy. “Can’t we do that on Sunday? I’ve already made plans to scalp counterfeit tickets for Pearl Jam tomorrow morning.”

Before Father can reply, Mother lifts her head out of her dinner and tells Missy that Sunday is out. “You know perfectly well,” she reminds her daughter, “this family never misses church on Sunday morning.”