Let me show you around the place. We’ve been going through some remodeling, so please excuse the dust.

That’s our new itinerizer, the Bridgemon 2000. It takes over 500 gallons of liquid helium to keep it from overheating from processing schedules for Don Henley, Cherry Poppin’ Daddies and the Andy Williams Christmas Show.

Down the hall and across from the indoor pool is the concert core. It cranks out over 2500 megadates per day. It’s the biggest tour reactor you’ll find anywhere in the private sector. Even Bill Gates doesn’t have anything like this. You need more power than Fresno can supply when you’re managing dates for Billy Bragg and Hanson.

Why Fresno? Our company founders, Gary Poll and Gary Starr, searched all over the San Joaquin Valley, as well as the Mojave Desert and North Bakersfield, for a place to establish this company. Only Fresno had the right combination of grapes, fertile soil and abandoned automobiles that was needed in order to compile tour dates for acts like Duran Duran and Furthur Festival.

No, we don’t see a lot of visitors, but we’ve had our share of famous artists. No Doubt and Quiet Riot both came by to say, “hi,” pose for the usual meet-n-greet pictures and pick up some car body parts. Here’s a picture of Gwen standing next to a hood ornament from a 1977 Chevette.

We never had a visit from Derek Trucks Band or John Anderson, but Elton John played Fresno a year ago. That’s his autographed portrait on the wall. Right next to the 1972 Impala muffler and the sack of raisins.

You never know who will walk through these doors. Fresno may seem like a small town, but we do see celebrities every once in a while. Well, I’m late for a meeting. You don’t mind showing yourself out, do you? The back door? Just down the hall, make a right and then a left.

And be careful that you don’t trip over Anne Heche on your way out, okay? She’s been waiting since Sunday for a spaceship to pick her up, and I guess the aliens are running a little late.