Actually, that’s not quite right. I can remember the important things, like String Cheese Incident playing in Bloomington, Indiana on October 19th. For the real trivial stuff, like birthdays, names and jobs, I tie little reminders to various parts of my body. The old string around the finger trick.

That rubber band around my wrist is a reminder that I have to pay the gas bill before August 24th, which is the day The Kingpins play Cornwall, Ontario. The piece of yarn hanging from my ear means I have to send in my divorce papers by September 27th, the same day Fourplay is playing Chicago, Illinois.

Yeah, that’s right. It was the memory thing. I had no trouble remembering every date for The Glands, Deadbolt and Eve 6, but when it came to things like our anniversary or our son’s name, everything came unraveled.

But I’m really working on improving my memory. Oh, I still have to tie reminders on my fingers, wrists, arms and legs. That dental floss around my ankle reminds me that I have a date with my new girlfriend. The string around my left index finger reminds me that her name is Thelma, and the thread around my big toe reminds me her birthday is on the same day as the Iron Maiden concert at Pine Knob.

I really hope this new relationship works out. I’m trying to improve my memory, and maybe someday I’ll be able to recall Thelma’s last name as well as Sting playing a free concert in New York’s Central Park on September 12th. With enough string, rubber bands, thread and dental floss, maybe everything will work out. Maybe we’ll even tie the knot.

That’s if I don’t get too strung out.