I’m the town’s… barber.

It’s a small southern town. Not much to do here except maybe fish, hunt and get a haircut. Since I’m the only barber, I’ve cut every head in town, from the sheriff to the mayor to the town… drunk. Everyone acts friendly, but I know they’re laughing at me behind my… back.

It was the kids who really got under my skin. I would see them in the town square, walking my walk and imitating my… talk. They thought they were really big stuff as they went around town with their CD players blasting out Bad Religion and… Dream Theater.

So I secretly took out an ad in the weekly paper, promising a free rock concert in a field south of town. I said all the big names would be there, including Smash Mouth and The Red Elvises.

Finally the big day came. In my ad I said that the only way to get to the concert was by a special bus that would pick everyone up at the center of town. Sure enough, come that morning, every kid in town was on Main Street waiting for my bus. Of course, they thought they were going to see Zion Train and Third Eye Blind. Boy, were they… surprised.

Because that bus didn’t go to any festival featuring Cradle Of Filth or JGB. Instead, it went straight to the nearest seaport, where it was loaded, kids and all, onto a freighter headed for Thailand. Now each and every one of those little pip squeaks is chained to a sewing machine making clothes for Kathy Lee for five cents a day. That will teach them to laugh at… me.

Of course, there’s going to be an investigation, but I’m not too worried. Our sheriff is just one of the local bumpkins and I doubt if he’ll give me much trouble. Oh, here he comes now. “Hey, Andy.”

“Hey, Floyd. Gimme the usual, will you? A little off the top and trim the sides.”

“You got it Andy. Any word on… Opie?”

“Not yet. We’re still looking for him as well as the rest of the kids. And Goober is going to post fliers at next week’s Wynonna show. “

No, I don’t think the sheriff is going to be a problem. However, if there’s anyone I have to watch out for, it’s his deputy, Barney. He’s the smart… one.