I really love my job. This week my boss let me answer all the email that is sent to us, asking about the new tours like Deftones, Third Eye Blind or Elliott Smith. We sure do get a lot of email, and I’d like to thank whoever it is that keeps sending me invitations to look at all the Websites featuring beautiful young women. But I don’t need any of those pictures anymore. For you see, your good pal Irving is in love.

In fact, I met her over the Internet. Well, I haven’t actually met her, but we exchange email every day. She lives in this house in the Philippines with several other girls. All the ladies are quite attractive, but I think my girlfriend is the prettiest. She sends me email asking about Glass Tiger and Stephen Pearcy’s Nitronic, and I send her the dates, along with the $29.99 a month that she needs to keep her Website up and running.

It’s a pretty nifty Website, too. She has cameras in all the rooms, and I can watch her and her friends every night. She says she really likes Los Straitjackets and Frank Black & The Catholics. She also said that she would love to go to a show and that she wouldn’t mind if I sent her a few tickets with the monthly check for $29.99.

I didn’t have any tickets, so I sent her a very special surprise along with the dates for Alanis Morissette and Curtis Salgado. A cute little email that expressed my feelings for her. And just to show her how much I care, I attached a little computer program that I wrote right after my last electroshock treatment. I called it “a love letter for you.” Ain’t I the little love bug?

But I haven’t heard from her since I sent her my email love letter. She hasn’t even asked me about Poison or Motley Crue, and those are her all-time favorite bands. Plus, her Website has been down, so I haven’t been able to watch her and her friends entertain the sailors from the navy base. I wonder what’s happened.

You don’t suppose she’s caught a virus, do you?