Tours de Farce: The Doctor Is In
“That’s all right, nurse. There’s a first time for everything. Now, if you will just hold that clamp steady while I peel back this man’s scalp and crack the skull…”
“Gee, it really does look like a squash.”
“That’s what everyone says when they first see it.”
“What’s that area over there, Doctor?”
“That’s the frontal itinerary lobe. That’s where the memory stores important dates.”
“You mean like Pearl Jam in Toronto on October 5th?”
“That’s right. There’s at least two weeks worth of dates for Joan Armatrading and The Derek Trucks Band scattered along that fissure next to the concertbellum. See that area over to the left?”
“You mean that swollen lump of gray matter behind the frontal itinerary lobe? What is it?”
“That’s the Memornexus. It’s where the memory stores songs. It’s normally not that big. In fact, that’s why we’re here. To reduce the swelling and ease the pressure on the encore stem. Third case I’ve seen this week.”
“How did it get so big?”
“He’s probably a first-year med student. A few of them have been monkeying around in the lab with the brain scanners, replacing the machines’ operating systems with Napster.
“Yes, they jacked his brain directly into Napster’s network. From the looks of the swelling, I’ll bet it ran all night.
“Oh, the poor man.”
“Save your sympathy, nurse. He doesn’t deserve it.
“I’m sorry, nurse, but I have no patience for copyright thieves. He’s just a common criminal stealing millions from deserving artists like Metallica and Sir Mix-A-Lot. If I had my way, I’d hook him up to the scanner and fill him with illicit MP3s until his head exploded. Let it be a lesson to all the other song pirates.”
“I didn’t know you felt that way, Doctor. What are you going to do?”
“I have no choice but to remove it. Though if it was up to me, I’d just let him suffer. Now, hold that hemostat steady. Just one more snip… and… there. Finished. Could you stitch him up while I run this down to the lab?”
“Thank you, Dr. Dre.”