I’ve named each one of my toes after my favorite bands. The big toe is Stone Temple Pilots, the next one is MDFMK and, well you get the picture.

I’ve covered my bedroom walls with pictures of famous feet. That’s Little Feat hanging next to the door, and KORN above the bed. I lie awake at night, listening to Jimmy Sturr And His Orchestra and wondering what the band’s toes are like. Oooooh, polka feet.

I’m especially interested in the little toes. You know, the ones that went “wee, wee, wee all the way home?” I’ll bet bands like Foreigner and artists like Me’Shell Ndeg√©Ocello get to see a lot of little toes when they’re on tour. Heck, I’ll bet the feet just line up at the backstage door, toeing the line, hoping to be noticed. Yeah, musicians get all the feet. Lucky stiffs.

My favorite fantasy is to go to a show, maybe Insane Clown Posse or Godsmack, and after the final encore the lead singer calls out my name and asks me to come up on stage. Then the band members strip naked and lie face down on the stage floor while I remove my shoes and socks and walk up and down each musician’s bare back. Others join in, and soon my nude tootsies are stepping up and down Caroline’s Spine and my toenails are digging into the Mother Hips. Oh, the ecstasy. Pure joy.

Of course, that will never happen. Big acts like Queens Of The Stone Age or Bloodhound Gang have all the feet they want. They don’t need my feet. Not when supermodels, actors and actresses are lining up to walk their footsies up and down the musicians’ backs. I guess you need fame and money to hang with a band’s feet, and I’m just a poor boy living in Fresno. But, maybe someday I’ll have what it takes, and then all the famous acts will feel my feet on their backs. And when that day comes, man oh man, it will be great.

The day that I become well-heeled.