“Miss Rosen, is it true that MP3 is the mark of the beast?”

“You’ve been watching my Sunday morning syndicated TV show, Litigation Litany, haven’t you?”

“Well, yes.”

“No need to be shy. If more people watched my show, the world wouldn’t be in the mess it is today. For are we not the protectors of everything good and sacred? Intellectual property, like recordings for Maná, Israel Vibration and Great White, is not meant to be bandied about like so many packets of information on the Internet. When the Lord handed Moses the Ten Commandments, did he not say, ‘Though shall not rip and distribute thy neighbor’s copyrighted music?’ Yes, you wearing the Steely Dan cap.”

“Who is the Antichrist?”

“There are several opinions as to who the unholy one is. I am reminded of the writings of the Prophet Lars; ‘Beware the one with nappy red hair, for he will stir up trouble and lead the world astray, promising greater sales potential while creating a free distribution system where Little Feat, Beenie Man and Art Garfunkel are traded without benefit of royalty payments or licensing fees.’ The little girl in the Julio Iglesias jumper. You have a question?”

“What happens to people who convert CD tracks into MP3 files and distribute them on the Net?”

“If it’s music released by the major record labels, then we will hunt each and every individual down. We will try those people who distribute the evil MP3 files, find them guilty, and sentence them to death, after which, they will have to face the fiery furnaces of eternal damnation.”

“Wow! That’s a lot of work.”

“Doing the Lord’s work is never easy, my child.”