It’s the secret Website that has the real dirt on surviving life in the concert industry.

The entrance to this fabled portal changes daily. On Monday, the site could be accessed by triple clicking on the third date in July for Brothers Creeggan. On Tuesday, entry was gained by right clicking on the Bob Dylan Las Vegas date, and the only way you could log in on Thursday was by clicking on the Dido itinerary while inserting your left pinkie finger up your best friend’s right nostril.

Security may be a bit of a hassle, especially the retina scans upon logging in, not to mention those forced colon probes if you enter a wrong password. But once you’re in, it’s a treasure trove of information, all of which was gathered by surveying over 45,000 different bands, like Mad Caddies, Guttermouth and Earth, Wind & Fire.

Need a stomach pumped at 3:30 in the morning in Kearney, Nebraska, no questions asked? It’s here. How about locations of all gerbil breeders within a one hour drive of Eugene, Oregon? That’s here, too. Then there’s that list of 24/7 adult book stores in New York City that carry genuine Fresno love beads, previously available only to roadies for Metallica and Neil Young. Priceless information.

This is need-to-know stuff, gathered from countless interviews, after hours conversations and liquor store phone taps. It is the combined knowledge of Amazing Crowns, Dixie Dregs, Iron Maiden, plus all the musicians, singers and bands that have come before them. It’s a lifeline tossed out to a world gone mad.

By the way, we were just kidding about those colon probes. In reality, the probes don’t go that deep. It only feels like it.