Yes, times have changed at Back in 1902, when we were located in a walk-up over a Telegraph Shack in Fresno, California, we didn’t have fancy computers to store tour data for bands like Sarah Brightman, Superdrag or Sumack. We had to do it the old fashioned way. And those who couldn’t think on their feet were taken out and shot.

Of course, all of that has changed. We no longer use chicken entrails to keep track of dates for and Tina Turner, and while we still shoot employees once in a while, we only shoot to maim.

But it’s our computer department that’s really taken off. We use mammoth, liquid helium-cooled thinking machines. All voice activated, they can crunch over 12 billion tours per second including the big ones like Joe Cocker, No Doubt and Faith Hill / Tim McGraw. We maintain a staff of 79 specially trained computer engineers, each one fluent in COBOL, FORTRAN, C++, Visual Basic and New Yorkese.

Then there’s our Web connection. Our data pipe measures about three feet across and can simultaneously handle requests for the latest listings for Foghat and Fuel as well as all of our plumbing needs. In fact, we dare say we’ve assembled the most complete, the most advanced computer department the private sector has ever seen.

But despite all of this computer power, the massive hardware and the computer techs with the artificially enlarged craniums, there’s one event that still remains a mystery.

Although we have the best computers, the smartest techs and fastest data connections, there is one phenomena that is so strange, so unbelievably unique, it defies a logical solution. Which goes to show that even though we can process tour data for Bobby Vee and Tony Levin at an unbelievable speed, we still can’t solve the most formidable problem to face mankind this year:

Why is Dennis Miller joining Monday Night Football?