Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, Fresno, San Francisco, you name it, wherever Golden Earring or moe. is playing, you’ll find a Concert Club branch. Of course, everything is hush-hush and on a need-to-know basis. You have to play your cards close to the vest if you want a club like this to succeed and prosper. Especially when you’re dealing with Roger Whittaker, and you have a warehouse full of Drano.

One feature our members really like is the exclusive Concert Club watch. It’s very important to know exactly what time it is when you’re a member of our club, and this five pound, 2′ x 2′ x 2′ wrist watch is just the baby to do it. It carries over 25 gigs of memory, which makes it perfect to compute internal temperatures for Robynn Ragland and Zakk Wylde’s Black Label Society, and is based on the half-life decay ratio for a single Drano molecule. Not the household Drano, mind you, but the heavy-duty, prescription-only stuff. Yes, only the best will do when you’re a member of Concert Club.

And time is very precious to our Concert Club members. You need to be on time for shows like Goldfinger and Diamanda Galás, plus you need all the help you can get to stay on top of those Drano fermentation periods. Unless you want another accident like the one last month in our Missoula branch. Another mistake like that could take out half of Manhattan, along with Living Daylights and Gabrielle. Not to mention our covert Drano operations down at the South Street Seaport.

New in town and you need directions to the local Concert Club branch? No problem. Just look for the encrypted message behind the paper towel dispensers located in the third restroom to the right of the stage at all shows by Coldcut and Coldplay. You’ll find the secret instructions right next to the emergency Drano packets left for those of you who need to recharge your Concert Club watches.

Yes, big things are in store for our Concert Club members. There’s Sound Tribe Sector 9, Link 80 and PJ Olsson, plus those after-show parties just chock full of free eats and Drano. And don’t forget those watches. In fact, our members-only watches may be the most important thing about Concert Club.

Because, if it weren’t for the watches, how else would you have a good time?