“Hi, Doctor. First time caller, long time listener here. I’ve got this problem. I… I think I’ve become addicted to MP3s.”

“Hold it right there, Bill. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. If you’re an MP3 ripper and you’re spending all your time converting songs by hardworking artists like Midge Ure or Natalie MacMaster into MP3 files, you are suffering from a biological error that inhibits you from relating normally to the opposite sex.”

“Uh? But I wasn’t talking about sex, Dr. Dora. I was talking about taking CDs by JGB, Eek-A-Mouse and Morcheeba, and storing the songs as MP3 files.”

“I wasn’t talking about sex either, Bill. But not having any desire to purchase a legitimate CD, the latest by Paul Simon for example, is some kind of error.”

“Gee, Doctor, are you trying to say I’m a deviant?”

“If the shoe fits, Bill. God gave each one of us two good ears and a credit card. We were put on this earth to buy the latest CDs by Marilyn Manson and Ratdog. After all, how else would the recording industry procreate? The logic is irrefutable, Bill. Live with it.”


“No ‘buts,’ Billy-boy. The evidence speaks for itself. John Wayne Gacey, Ted Bundy, even Charlie Manson, they were all MP3 addicts and looked what happened. If you either upload or download MP3 files by Slipknot or Yamagata, you are nothing but a pervert. A grade-A bona fide freak of nature. An aberration of all that is good and honest.”

“I don’t think…”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Bill, but my producer is trying to tell me something. I think it’s time for a commercial. What’s that? Cancelled? Not another one. How many is that this week? I swear, some sponsors just can’t handle the truth. No matter. I’m Dr. Dora and our next caller is Rick from Casper, Wyoming. Go ahead, you disgusting little piece of vermin. You’re on the air with Dr. Dora…”