That’s when the top zoological scientists in the country, in order to build a stronger, more resilient independent concert promoter, injected the DNA of the greatest showman of them all, P.T. Barnum, into the brain of a gorilla.

That night the gorilla escaped.

He appeared in our lobby the very next morning, just as we were adding dates to the schedules for Foo Fighters and Bob Dylan. He climbed up on our receptionist’s desk, scratched his furry behind, and proceeded to tell us about the logistics involved with routing the new tour for Midge Ure.

We hired him on the spot at 11 bananas per hour.

He spent most of the day picking fleas off of his hide and entering dates for Enuff Z’Nuff, Joe Jackson and U.K. Subs. We were so amazed at his accuracy and typing speed that by 5:00 p.m. we promoted him to editor at 15 bananas per hour.

But entering dates wasn’t enough for him. The promoter DNA surged strongly through his blood, and by the end of the second day, the ape booked several acts, including Skid Row, Paul Weller and AC/DC, to play out back in our amphitheatre proving grounds, the place where all artists and bands are tested to see if they can withstand the rigors of the summer outdoor theatre circuit. He took a meeting with the various acts’ booking agents, but when one agent tried to raise his band’s performance fee, the ape grabbed him and proceeded to peel the poor man like a Chiquita Banana, and then tossed his skin out into the parking lot.

The other agents immediately accepted the ape’s offer.

But, alas, the gorilla would never see the show he created. The promoter DNA was not permanent and by the time Cornelius & The Damn Dirty Apes, played the second stage, he had reverted back to his old gorilla self.

Our ape friend is back at the zoo now. We visit him every Saturday, and tell him about the new tours like Dick Dale and Jill Sobule. Although the zoo’s scientists have told us that there is not a single trace of promoter DNA left in his body, we still can’t help but wonder if there may be just a smidgen of old P.T. Barnum still circulating in his bloodstream. For as we watch him beating his chest and throwing gorilla dung on unsuspecting zoo patrons, only one thought enters our minds.

He sure looks like one happy promoter.