“We start them from the ground up,” says university president, Prof. Julius Henry Marx. In Tourology 1, aided by only slide rules and Magic 8 Balls, they design theoretical routings for Faith Hill & Tim McGraw and Eve 6.

“From there they move up to Concertology 203, where they apply what they’ve learned to negotiating ticket prices for Dianne Reeves, and Shaggy.”

One of the most popular courses at Pollstar U is Follow The Money 101, taught by Dr. Leonard Marx, Julius’ brother. “We look at the bigger picture,” says Dr. Marx. We study the economics of taking acts like Luther Vandross on the road. Then we factor in the cost of the rubber chickens, seltzer squirters, and brocade smoking jackets for the roadies.”

Then there’s the dean of the School of Public Relations. Arthur Marx is known around campus for his unruly blond hair and his radical theory of concert communications, involves a complex series of horn honks. What kind of venues is Sam Bush playing? “Honk.” Where will Latino Christmas play next? “Honk, honk, honk.”

While proven successful in the field, the business practices taught at Pollstar University by the three Marx Brothers have yet to be embraced by the concert industry. In answering these critics, Professor Marx replies, “You can bet your life on our methods,” as he raises his trademark bushy eyebrows and puffs on a cigar. “Just this morning, I correctly identified the start date of the Kasey Chambers tour in my pajamas. How it got in my pajamas, I don’t know.”

Honk, honk.