It was about a week ago yesterday when we noticed an abnormality within our data system. A new account mysteriously appeared in the Roadie Translation Department. It sucked all the tour schedules, including the latest dates for The Wailers and Will Hoge, from the main concert drive and sent them to an email address somewhere in Russia.

Further investigation confirmed our suspicions and revealed that our ultra-secure, custom built Pollstar.com Suderman 5000 series computers were indeed hacked last week, and that the hacker had actually seen the source code for Tanya Tucker and Bo Diddley.

Of course, we’re only human, and we reacted as most do when confronted with this situation – with denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance. Yes, we learned not only to face the problem, but to deal with it as well.

We followed standard procedure, which called for the midnight insertion of data death squads in Moscow and Kiev (as called for in presidential executive order #3981), and within 24 hours we had effectively neutralized the invader. But we were still faced with the problem of future hacks and how to protect the tour information for George Winston, Destiny’s Child and the Robby Krieger Band. Clearly, extraordinary measures were needed.

After terminating the employment of our systems security expert and shipping him home in a box to his parents in Bakersfield, we initiated a world-wide search for his replacement. Someone who not only could protect the dates for Dave Matthews Band, but could also insure that the groupie probability stats for Barry Manilow and Amber would be accessed only by those with “need-to-know” clearance. We needed more than a data traffic cop. We needed someone skilled in firewalls, R.L. Burnside, kung fu, anti-virus software, beer-tap technology and Peter Case.

A formidable job, for sure, but after an extensive search by our human resources department, we believe we have found the right man. His security credentials are impeccable and he’ll start within the next few weeks.

As soon as he resigns from his position as chief security officer at Microsoft.