“Hi, Latch Key Mom. I just got home from school. Both my parents are at work, and I’m hearing noises just outside the back door. What should I do?”

“Is the stereo on?”

“Yes, I’m playing The Offspring.”

“Then switch it to something like Thin Lizzy or Uriah Heep. Once that prowler hears those classic 1970s rock riffs blasting from your speakers, he’ll think your parents are in the house. And because it’s the middle of the afternoon, he’ll also think they don’t have jobs and that they’re either bikers or Teamsters. That should be enough to scare anyone away. Our next caller is Billy from Madison, Wisconsin. Hi, Billy. How’s the cheese?”

“Just fine, Latch Key Mom. I’m calling because Marilyn Manson is coming here December 1st, but my parents won’t let me go. Any suggestions?”

“That is a tough one, Billy. Are there any credit cards in the house?”

“Just the one my mother hid from Dad.”

“Perfect. Take that credit card and log on to your local ticket service and buy tickets for both Marilyn and the Windham Hill Winter Solstice, which is also playing in Madison on December 1st. Tell your mother you’re going to see this annual holiday tour featuring Liz Story, Sean Harkness and Lisa Lynne, but go to the Manson show instead.”

“Gee, thanks, Latch Key Mom.”

“That’s all the time we have for today. Be sure to join us next time when I’ll show you how you can use eBay to turn your mom’s jewelry into cash so you can buy tickets for Mission U.K. and Kittie. That’s coming up tomorrow on Latch Key Mom!”