In a school playground in Brooklyn, the neighborhood bully stops pounding the living daylights out of the asthmatic four-eyed geek. The Iron Maiden routing has shown him that violence is not the answer and that we all must work together in this thing called life. Shaking his victim back to consciousness with the latest dates from America and Social Distortion, he pledges eternal friendship as long as he receives the kid’s lunch money in return. As always, the tours lead the way.

In a suburb outside Atlanta, a young girl cries her heart out over the splattered remains of her puppy, squashed by an eighteen-wheeler. Her mother dries those tears with the latest dates for Disturbed as she reaches for her spatula. Again, the tours provide solace and comfort.

West Hollywood, Portland, San Francisco. To an adult, these are mere cities on a schedule, but to a child in Chicago, it’s the routing for Aimee Mann and it shines with the hope that daddy will be paroled in time for the holidays. In Detroit, a teacher leads her young charges through a local civics lesson by reciting the schedules for Insane Clown Posse and Eminem, while in Miami a school boy demonstrates to his teacher that the mathematical structure of the Mudvayne routing is final and does not require a recount. As always, the tours are there.

It’s a tough world. A world filled with corruption, violence and cancelled shows. It’s not easy being a kid these days, but with the proper education, tender loving care and confirmed dates for Suicide and Relative Ash, our children will grow into the movers and shakers that will lead this great nation to prosperity in the new millennium. God bless the little rugrats. And may God bless the tours.