“Mr. Johnson? Mr. Johnson?? Are you awake?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“This is amazing, Mr. Johnson. You haven’t spoken in months. Today is November 24th. The day after Thanksgiving. You’ve been in a coma since July.”

“A coma?”

“Yes, and the doctors couldn’t understand why. They ran test after test, but the only thing they could find in your body was the alcohol equivalent of one beer.”

“Old family ailment.”

“Uh?”

“It runs in the family. One beer and I’m gone. It’s all coming back to me. I was despondent because those rumors about a Van Halen / David Lee Roth reunion tour didn’t pan out. Then Diana Ross cancelled her tour.”

“So you drank a beer?”

“Yeah. What was I thinking? Oh, well, no matter. I have a lot of catching up to do. What’s The Offspring up to?”

“They’re in Sacramento tonight, San Francisco on Saturday and Salt Lake City on Monday.”

“What about Sunday?”

“They have it off.”

“Good, they work hard, they deserve the rest. What’s happening with Limp Bizkit?”

“Anger Management Tour, along with DMX and Godsmack.”

“Red Hot Chili Peppers?”

“You missed the tour, but they’re playing Rock In Rio in January.”

“Rock In Rio? The big festival in Brazil? Who else is playing?”

“You mean, ‘who isn’t playing there?’ Last time I looked at the schedule, they had Britney Spears, R.E.M, Sting, even Guns N’ Roses.”

“Wow, it really sounds like I missed a lot. How’s my favorite band, The Smashing Pumpkins?”

“They’re retiring next month.”

“No! Not them! How can I go on without their unique happy songs about life? Gimme a beer!”

“Fight it, Mr. Johnson. Be strong. You don’t want to fall into another coma.”

“I’m trying, Nurse. I’m trying. Ah…Didn’t you say this is the day after Thanksgiving?”

“That’s right.”

“Then who won?”

“Who won what?”

“Who won the presidential election?”

“Uh…”

“Well?”

“Relax, Mr. Johnson. Here, let me get you a beer.”