“Yes, dear. And who might you be?”

“My name is Sally.”

“Sally’s a nice name. And what can your Aunt Hilary do for you, Sally?”

“I saw your poster at school. It said that I could call this number if I think my parents are in trouble.”

“That’s right, Sally. Are your parents in trouble? You can tell your Aunt Hilary.”

“I woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom for a drink of water. Their bedroom light was on. That’s when I saw them.”

“Saw what, Sally?”

“I saw mommy and daddy downloading illegal MP3 copies of U.K. Subs, Lorrie Morgan and Aaron Tippin from Napster.”

“Just a minute, Sally. Do you still live at… 705 Park?”

“Yes. Are my parents in trouble, Aunt Hilary?”

“They may be in serious danger if we don’t act fast, Sally. Where are your parents now?”

“They’re in their bedroom. I think Daddy is downloading the latest song by Marilyn Manson and Mommy’s making copies of Chicago and Weezer and sending them to all her friends. What should I do, Aunt Hilary?”

“The first thing to do, Sally, is to remain calm. Do you remember what was on my poster?”

“It showed a little boy’s mom and dad copying CDs by Kenny Rogers and distributing the songs on the Net.


“And… and… Aunt Hilary? I think someone’s at the door.”

“Don’t worry, dear. That’s just a few of my helpers. We like to call them ‘Rosen’s Raiders.’ Do you remember anything else about the poster?”

“It said that parents who copy CDs by people like Reel Big Fish and Levellers, also eat puppy dogs and make their kids work in sweat shops in South Bakersfield. And… and… There’s policemen in the house, and one of them just hit my daddy over the head with a big club. Oh, Aunt Hillary, where are the policemen taking my parents?”

“Your parents are very sick, Sally. The policemen are going to take them to see some people who will make them feel better.”

“Like a doctor?”

“Something like that. What else did the poster say, Sally?”

“It said that kids who report their parents will get tickets to Disneyland. Oh, Aunt Hilary, the policemen have taken my parents away and now I’m all alone. I’m scared, Aunt Hilary. What should I do?”

“Go back to bed, Sally, and remember to tell Mickey I said ‘hi.'”