“I really thought I was going to be late for work, what with the Ralph Nader people stripping my car in the middle of the night, so I appreciate the lift. Mind if I poke around the radio dial? Hey, there’s Joan Baez! I saw her shortly before Amnesty International beat me up last month. Jeez, some people, ya know?

“Don’t you love this time of year? The decorations are up, everybody’s in the holiday spirit and the radio’s playing all those great Christmas songs. Ya hear that? Isn’t that Sammy Hagar doing ‘Little Drummer Boy?’ That’s gotta be one of my favorites. Yeah, baby! Turn it up!

“Isn’t Christmas great? It really gets my mind off of those ladies from Save The Whales. They came by the day after Thanksgiving and broke both my legs. Wait a sec, do you hear that? That’s Marilyn Manson doing ‘O Come All Ye Faithful.’ He was born for that song, don’t you think?

“Yes, I love Christmas music. Whenever I hear one of those old classics, maybe Pantera doing ‘Hark The Herald Angels Sing,’ or Slaves On Dope singing ‘Joy To The World,’ it makes me forget about all my troubles. Like when the Humane Society tarred and feathered me, then ran me through the streets while my neighbors pelted me with rotten tomatoes. Yeah, there’s nothing like a good Christmas tune to lift the old spirits.

“What do you have going for the holidays? I’m spending it with my family. Every Christmas we get together, throw some Kylie Minogue CDs on the stereo, maybe ‘Silent Night’ or ‘Little Town of Bethlehem.’ Then we gather around the table for our traditional blubber dinner and laugh at the people unfortunate enough to be political prisoners in third world countries. Some people just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut. Hey, is that Andrea Bocelli doing ‘Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer?’

“Oh, I can’t help but notice that you’re admiring my boots. Yes, snow leopard skin with bald eagle stitching. Nothing but the best for my tootsies. What’s that? You want me out of the car? You say you can’t stand people like me? Sheesh, you sound like my mother.

“I mean, where’s your Christmas spirit?”