“Howdy, Dr. Laura-Jean. Ya gotta speak louder because it’s league night.”

“How’s that?”

“That’s better. Dr. Laura-Jean, I work with this man down at the plastic bag factory, his name is Billy-Bob and he wants to take me to see Joe Diffie and Village People next month.”

“And that’s a problem?”

“It’s a problem because my cousin, Jimmy-John, wants to take me to Tony Furtado Band and Montgomery Gentry, and they’re on the same nights.”

“I see. Ya, know what they say, Betty-Jo. ‘Blood is thicker than water.'”

“That’s what my husband always says, Dr. Laura-Jean, and he’s my nephew once removed, so he should know. As it turns out, Billy-Bob is my pa’s step-brother, which would make him kind of an uncle. He also has tickets for Little Feat and Unwound, and he’s got this really bitchin’ 1974 Chevy Malibu up on blocks in his front yard.”

“I’d go with the uncle, Betty-Jo. Anybody that can afford his tickets a month in advance, and has his own front yard, is definitely grade-A concert-date material. Our next caller is Bobbi-Sue, who’s calling from the laundromat in Cotton Plant, Arkansas. Hi, Bobbi-Sue, you’re on Trailer Talk.”

“Hi, Dr. Laura-Jean. I’ve got to talk to you about my man, Festus.”


“My mother passed away. Well, his mother, my aunt, and it took a couple of months before the guv’ment stopped sending her checks. Anyway, Festus used her check money to see Ratt and Toby Keith, and now he’s hooked. He spends all day at the library, looking at tour dates for bands like Sawyer Brown and Systematic on the Internet.”

“And he’s never home, right?”

“Right, Dr. Laura-Jean. What should I do?”

“Fortunately, Bobbi-Sue, when I was in private practice, I came up with a home appliance that will solve all of your problems.”

“You did?”

“Yes, I call it Dr. Laura-Jean’s Tourmeister, and it’s for people like you who don’t have their own phones, so they can’t connect to the Internet to look for tour dates. Once you set it up, it provides fresh dates daily for all your favorites, including Ricky Skaggs, Sprung Monkey and Black Eyed Peas. Stay on the line, and my producer, Frankie-Joe, will tell you how to get one.”

“Thanks, Dr. Laura-Jean.”

“We have time for one more phone call. Hello, Bubba-Joe, you’re on Trailer Talk.”

“Ya know dem dirty Dem’crats wanna take away all of our guns, dontcha?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Bubba-Joe, but this is Trailer Talk. You want the Rush Jimbo Show. That’s on next.”