The excruciating disappointment of a sold out show may become a thing of the past, if President-elect George W. Bush stands behind conservative efforts to clear cut millions of acres of forests in an effort to increase this country’s concert ticket output in preparation for upcoming tours by bands like Duran Duran and The Haunted.

“Due to the conservation efforts of the outgoing administration, we haven’t been able to cut down as many trees as we would have liked, resulting in an artificial ticket shortage,” says Jason Bolt, president and CEO of Seattle-based Bolt Lumber & Tickets, one of the largest ticket suppliers in the nation. “However, the upcoming Bush administration promises us all the trees we can chop, and that means plenty of tickets for Jeff Beck, The Jeff Healey Band and Dave Alvin & The Guilty Men.”

Will the new administration throw out environmental efforts of the past eight years? Are the protected forests of northern Alaska about to become floor ducats for Stereophonics and Kid Rock? While environmentalists are understandably upset, there has been some dissent raised by other factions as well.

One of those voicing concern is concert economist Aaron Stemple, who claims that an unlimited number of tickets for a limited number of seats for acts like The Little River Band and Toots & The Maytals, only causes an artificial increase in the nation’s ticket supply, causing interest rates to climb, which in turn could lead to a concert recession.

More recently, Hollywood activist Woody Harrelson has thrown in his two cents, claiming that the country could avoid a shortage of tickets for MC Paul Barman and Brad Paisley if the upcoming administration backed a switch from lumber and endorsed a hemp-based ticket standard.

“Everyone has their own solution,” said Bolt. “Protecting the environment is fine. Preserving pristine forests is a very noble cause. But when it comes to deciding if there will be enough tickets for KISS or Village People, most Americans will vote on the side of roaring, gas-powered chainsaws and hearty cries of ‘Timber!'”

And what of the Americans that still insist upon conserving forests, some dating back to the days of George Washington, from massive clear-cutting on behalf of ticket harvesting?

“There will always be some do-gooder claiming that we need our forests more than we need concert tickets,” says an obviously disgusted Bolt. “But they’re just saps barking up the wrong tree.”