We’ve been processing our fingers to the bone to bring you the latest tours, including 98 Degrees, Mark Knopfler and Frank Black & The Catholics, and I don’t mind telling you that this week was busier than most. And it’s all because of Valentine’s Day.

It’s no secret that our tour-processing department is made up of former beauty queens, winners of pageants like Miss America, Miss Universe and Miss Napster. You can bet that when February 14 rolls around, the delivery guys definitely put in the overtime to bring our fine ladies their V-Day presents.

For instance, this year Colleen (Guns and Ammo Festival Queen, 1996) received a diamond necklace almost as big as the Oak Ridge Boys itinerary. In fact, the sheer weight of the necklace forced her to spend the rest of the week with her head on her keyboard, typing in dates for Everlast and Nelly Furtado with her nose. But she’s learned to live with it, and trooper that she is, hasn’t even complained about the ‘W’ key that’s still jammed up her left nostril. She just smiles and says it’s a souvenir from the White House.

Then there’s that 100 percent high-grade uranium bracelet that Wendy (Miss San Quentin Prison, 1994) received. While she’s already used to her arm glowing in the dark while she enters dates for acts like Roxy Music and MxPx, we’re still getting complaints from our photography department about fogged film every time she passes by their door. At least she isn’t complaining too much about her recent hair loss.

Of course, the other ladies in our company also received extremely expensive gifts. Jackie (Manitoba’s Beer and Donut Queen, 1991) is still processing dates for Ricky Martin and Our Lady Peace while wearing the neck brace due to the 57 pound diamond pendant. Meanwhile, Carol (Miss Rolling Blackout, 2001) is trying to remain humble while working on the Mel C schedule, even though she now drives to work in an armor-plated $1.5 million SUV. And Carrie (Miss Cool Whip Festival, 1994) will eventually tire of showing off her collection of pure titanium Bakersfield Love Plugs. Yes, this has definitely been a week to remember.

But Monday starts another week, and with Valentine’s Day behind us, the daily deliveries of furs, diamonds and gold bullion will become a thing of the past. Yes, it won’t be long before the delivery man stops bringing the expensive gifts and the ladies will be able to focus on the job at hand, like dates for Art Garfunkel, George Winston and Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds.

In fact, we figure Puff Daddy will stop hitting on the girls as soon as he finds someone to replace Jennifer Lopez.