“Greetings. As we kick off our 50th season of The Adventures of Ozzy and Harriet, people are asking me about my family. They want to know how a mother of a wholesome 1950s TV family manages to survive in the new millennium. Actually, the answer is pretty simple. We’ve learned to adapt. Here, would you like some freshly-baked, bird-shaped gingersnaps?

“Ricky doesn’t have his band anymore, but he’s working as a tour consultant for Miracle Orchestra, Everlast and The Hellacopters. I just hope he doesn’t grab his gun and go cruising with Puff Daddy like he did in episode #9271. But you know him, always irrepressible. There, I’m done frosting the cake, and in honor of our new president, it looks just like a famous Texas landmark. Would you like to lick the spoon?

“Of course, some things have changed since the 50s. David’s a high-powered music industry lawyer. He’s suing some company named Hapster, or Papster, or something like that, on behalf of the record labels for Collective Soul and Eliza Carthy. Says he’s going to bury them, just like he buried his friend, Wally, under the new stadium during that organized labor dispute in episode #4912. How would you like some of my bat-shaped chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk?

“Yes, we’re still the same all-American family that first appeared on TV back in the 50s. Although we’ve modernized things a bit by making room for guest appearances by big acts like The Beach Boys and 98 Degrees, The Adventures of Ozzy and Harriet still stands for good, clean family entertainment. Oh, look, here comes Ozzy now.”

“All on board! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!”

“Say ‘hi’ to the TV audience, Ozzy.”

“I am Iron Man!”

“That’s nice, dear. Have a cookie. Now run along and do whatever it is you do. Yes, folks we’re still the same people you’ve watched on TV for the past fifty years. Oh, look at the mess. My husband bit off the heads of all the cookies. That Ozzy, sometimes I just don’t know what to do with him. I just hope he stays away from my cake shaped like the Alamo.”