Concert industry professionals are descendent from extraterrestrial aliens that visited our planet millions of years ago.

The latest proof resides in the trace DNA elements discovered in the schedules for The Chieftains and Disturbed, that, when analyzed, are identical to the petrified ticket stubs found in crystalline service charges buried underneath the Arrowhead Pond. What’s even more amazing is that these samples match up, not only with tour remnants recently unearthed outside Madison Square Garden, but also with ancient roadie droppings found near Wembley Arena and Glasgow’s S.E.C.C., introducing more pieces to the puzzle.

“Equally amazing,” states world renowned concertoligist Dr. Andre Young, “is the discovery that prehistoric groupie migration patterns appear to be embedded in the psyche of modern booking agents, resulting in the routings for Gary Numan, Reeves Gabrels and Sepultura. This proves that these ancient nomads had help, but from whom?”

Whom, indeed?

One answer may lie in the writings of former house-painter-turned-pop-historian Von Alhaymon, whose book, Tour Buses of the Gods, proposed that ancient civilizations were heavily influenced by celestial booking agents looking for new venues for interstellar artists, the intergalactic forerunners of modern acts such as Eyehategod and Honky, to play.

Von Alhaymon claims that the pyramids of Egypt, as well as Rome’s Coliseum and Bogart’s in Cincinnati are all examples of cosmic intervention in mankind’s concert evolution, leading up to the latest tours for Bane, Streetwalkin’ Cheetahs and Texas Terri & The Stiff Ones. However, Von Alhaymon’s only “evidence” so far is two rocks, which he claims, are prehistoric cell phone batteries.

Coming up next week: Can the Grammy Awards be traced back to pagan fertility rituals that originated in the Bakersfield Delta sometime before 5000 BC? Until then, have a good weekend. And remember, knowledge is power.