Dear Occupant:

It has come to my attention that you have recently downloaded several illegal MP3s, including copies of songs by B.B. King and Mel C. Don’t try to deny it. I have proof.

Needless to say, Occupant, I’m very disappointed in you. Didn’t your parents teach you about morality, good citizenship and ethics? How do you think the executives at the labels for BR5-49, BS2000 and Elton John are going to feed their families if you keep ripping them off?

Hear that, Occupant? That’s the sound of a child crying out for dessert. But there’s no ice cream in the freezer, no cake in the pantry, no treats for daddy’s little princess. That’s because her father is a VP at Columbia Records, and he didn’t get his monthly bonus last month because people like you are grabbing songs by Bob Dylan and Billy Joel. Happy now?

You make me want to wretch, you little gerbil-faced geek. When I see the poor record company A&R people telling their families that there will be no four-week vacation at Euro Disney this year, all I can think of is grabbing you by your thieving neck and stuffing MP3 boots of Offspring and MxPx down your larcenous little throat until your face turns blue and your eyes pop out of your sockets. Ooooh, you’re despicable!

Now listen, and listen good, Occupant. You better be looking over your shoulder because I know your IP address and your Napster user name. And I won’t be the only one bashing your door down in the middle of the night. It will be Placebo, Sawyer Brown and SR-71. You wanted to be a music pirate. Now it’s time to walk the plank.

Make no mistake about it, you’re on my list. That’s right, Occupant, I’m got you in my sights. And this time, it’s personal.


Hilary Rosen, RIAA

p.s. For good luck, forward copies of this letter to all your friends.