“No problem, Mr. President. As a former roadie, I’m used to carting celebrities around. What do you want to do?’

“I’m not sure. And please call me ‘Bill.’ After all, I’m not the president anymore.”

“Okay, Bill. What are you in the mood for?”

“I’m really not sure.”

“Well, there’s always Bob Dole’s house.”

“Naw. We TP’d it last week. I don’t think we’d get away with it two weeks in a row.”

“Than how about Gingrich’s?”

“No can do. I made prank phone calls to him all morning. He might put two-and-two together.”

“Orrin Hatch?”

“Put sand in his gas tank last Saturday. He’s good for another couple of months. Besides, he might be watching for me.”

“Maybe you should skip the practical jokes for a while. Do something else.”

“Like what?”

“Why don’t you see a concert?”

“Good idea! Is Fleetwood Mac playing anywhere?”

“I’m afraid not, but Eric Clapton is dong a run. So are Depeche Mode and Bob Dylan. The road managers are friends of mine. I’m sure we can get good seats.”

“That sound’s good, but I doubt if any of those shows will be as much fun as when we reversed the road signs in Strom Thurmond’s neighborhood. Boy, did we have him going around in circles.”

“There’s also the festivals, like Ozzfest 2001 and Brooks & Dunn’s The Neon Circus & Wild West Show. With my Roadie Retirement Card, I can get half price on tickets. Backstage passes, too.”

“I could be up for that. Of course, it won’t be like tipping cows at the Department of Ag. Wait a second. Is Sting touring? Hillary loves him.”

“Sure is. He’ll be at the MCI Center on May 5th with special guest Jill Scott. Sting and I go back to the old Police days. I’ll give him a call.”

“Great. But that still doesn’t give us anything to do tonight.”

“We could run out to Ken Starr’s house, swipe his front gate and put it on his roof.”

“Did that last month. No, I’m afraid Old Abe was right. ‘You can’t fool all of the people all of the time.’ Hey, I got it. Would you mind driving over to the dog park? We’re going to need a few items.”

“Dog park? Oh, no, not the old ‘poop on the stoop’ routine.”

“Set it on fire, ring the doorbell and run. Best gag of them all.”

“But who are you going to pull it on this time? We’ve hit just about everyone in town.”

“There’s only one person worthy of the greatest practical joke of all time.”

“Not Al Gore. We’ve already done that to him the last nine nights in a row. Aren’t you afraid he’s going to catch on?”

“Not if I wear my dark glasses. You got any really big paper bags in this car?”