He’s driving home from work. You would think that a guy like Joe, who has a beautiful wife and three lovely daughters, would keep his mind on the road ahead.

Unfortunately, Joe’s thinking about that INXS / Midnight Oil co-headline show in Milwaukee when his car strays across the middle line. As it turns out, that thought ends up being the second-from-last thing to ever go through his mind.

And the last thing to go through his mind? The radiator of a 94 Saturn.

The lesson? Don’t be a Joe. Recent statistics prove that reading tour dates while driving is the third highest cause of traffic fatalities, following cell phone abuse and finger-induced nostril excavation. The dates for Crazy Town, Papa Roach and Tony Furtado Band may look innocent enough, but in the wrong hands they can lead to tragedy and mayhem.

Take Mary, for instance. She’s going through her morning routine, sprinkling sugar on her family’s cereal while pouring Drano down a clogged kitchen drain. But on this lovely Spring morning she’s added a third element, the dates for Vanilla Ice. The results are much too gruesome to describe in detail.

Tour date safety is everyone’s business. Help stop the senseless slaughter of concert fans by taking a few simple steps.

Never operate a motor vehicle if you have more than five tour dates for any single act, such as The Smithereens, Lil’ Bow Wow or MTV Campus Invasion. Never combine insecticide, cleaning solvents, or Zima with tour dates for The Fall and The Sadies. And finally, never open up a fresh itinerary for K-Ci & Jojo unless surrounded by adequate ventilation.

Information is power, and a list of dates for Blackhawk is the most powerful message of all. If we handle tour dates with the care and respect they deserve, we’ll provide a much safer world for our children and ensure the dissemination of tour data for generations to come.

This message brought to you by the National Routing Association and Mothers Against Drunk Booking.