That includes one hernia, two bypasses, one lung-scrape, four broken hearts, a kidney transplant, three appendectomies (it keeps growing back) and two sex change operations. I’ve been there, done that, I’m back.

So you can trust me when I say I know a thing or two about painkillers.

Yes, sir, I’ve tried them all. However, whether it’s over-the-counter, prescription or back alley special, I’m here to tell you that the number one painkiller of them all is a fresh tour itinerary.

For example, take last week when Chuck Mangione dropped a 2-ton safe on my head, “just to see what would happen.” You bet it hurt. Nevertheless, I was as good as new once I wrapped the dates for the Brian Setzer ’68 Comeback Special around my forehead. Then there was that time at my last job when I accidentally impaled myself with 731 salad forks. Thank God for Barenaked Ladies or I’d still be writhing on that floor amidst the lettuce and the croutons.

Sure, you laugh, you scoff, you say a few dates for Bela Fleck & The Flecktones can hardly match a couple of aspirin knocked back with a shot of Jack Daniels. But you’ve never had a coworker go crazy, rip both your arms from the sockets and beat you over the head with the severed appendages until you cried, “mama!” Blues Traveler and that Styx / Bad Company co-headline fixed me right up that day. Made me as good as new.

Now I’m spreading the word. Forget your aspirin, your codeine, your novocaine and your morphine. Take two tour dates for Plus One and you’ll never have to call your doctor in the morning. Whether you’ve been poked, beaten, stabbed, shot, dissected, vivisected, or ground into a bleeding pulp of unrecognizable flesh, you can take it to the bank when I say tour dates, like the ones for Van Morrison, Rufus Wainwright and 3 Doors Down, will always come through for you. I’m the living proof. You might even say I’m the poster child for tour date medication. When it comes to dealing with pain, I’m your main man.

Which also makes me the frontrunner for the CEO position at Yahoo! I guess I better get my resume in order.