From Boston to Los Angeles, from Oslo to Rio, from Madison Square Garden to the Hollywood Bowl, I have romanced the finest ladies to ever pass through the turnstiles of my life. As I travel throughout the boudoirs of the world, spreading joy and pleasure to the fairer sex, men constantly ask me for my secret. They want to know how I make the ladies swoon, the señoritas smile and the mademoiselles melt in my hands.

The answer is very simple, my friend. It’s concerts.

I learned at a very young age that a front row ticket for Crosby, Stills & Nash or Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers can turn even the most uninterested damsel into a voracious love goddess. I tickle their fancy with seats for INXS and I touch their hearts with backstage passes for Depeche Mode and The Juliana Theory. I whisper the sounds of passion into their ears, turning them into exquisite disciples of Eros simply by mentioning the forbidden words like “no service charges” and “free parking.”

And for the men reading this, the ones whose wives and girlfriends think of only as warm up acts for the main event that never happens, I have this piece of advice. For it is not enough to simply perform, you must prepare for the moment of supreme sensuality as carefully as SFX planned the U2 tour. You must shower her with applause and scream out her name for the encore.

Imagine…

It’s a moonlit night and you’ve just returned from seeing a great concert like the Brian Setzer ’68 Comeback Special or Elton John. You guide her into your little chamber of desires where she’s astounded to see that you’ve covered the bed with tickets to all the upcoming shows. There’s J Mascis & The Fog on the pillows and Foetus and Backyard Babies on the mattress. The stage is set, awaiting the performers.

You whisper the dates for Eric Clapton into her ear as you gently lay her down upon the bed. You tell her that you’ll take her to Madonna in Paris and Sting in Rome. You massage her body with tickets for John Mellencamp, The Fleshtones and The Silos. Then, when she reaches her most receptive moment, you unleash upon her the erotic energy that will bring her hours of delight. Yes, that’s when you make your move. That’s when you let loose the true power of love. That’s when you give her a night of glorious passion and lovemaking that she will remember for the rest of her life.

That’s when you open the window and let me in.