“No, Mr. President. I’m meeting with the Secretary of Defense to discuss our new missile shield strategy. These maps show all the different options for protecting our country from nuclear attack. Over here we have the plane-based laser which can take out a missile at a moment’s notice.”

“Really? just like ‘Star Trek, eh?'”

“I suppose so, sir. In a way.”

“I always thought it would be neat to be Captain Kirk.”

“I’m sure you did, sir. Now, on this map we have the ‘smart pebbles’ solution that was favored by the Reagan administration. However, Rumsfeld thinks a combination of different strategies may be more practical.”

“Zoomin’ around the galaxy, hittin’ on space babes and zappin’ the Klingons and Democrats. Yes, that would be something.”

“I would like you to turn your attention to the charts on the wall, Mr. President. The one on the left represents our sea-based interceptor missiles, the one on the right, our land-based interceptors.”

“And the teleporter! What a marvelous device! If I had one of those, I’d be able to skip the turnstiles and beam right to the front row for The Monkees and Crosby, Stills & Nash.”

“Er, yes, Mr. President. Maybe you should look at this chart. It shows the proposed satellite detection system.”

“Just think of it, Dick. On May 18th I could beam over to New York City for B.B. King and still make it across the country to see Blues Traveler on the very same night in Los Angeles.”

“Probably our toughest challenge is selling our European allies on the system, Mr. President. Some of them may not be too keen on our plans for scrapping the ABM Treaty.”

“Who was your favorite space babe, Dick? I always liked the green one from that prison planet. I bet she’d love to see The Cure at this year’s Roskilde Festival.”

“Uh? Space babe, sir?”

“Come on, Dick, get with the program. Starlight Mints and Rival Schools have both announced new tours and you’re rambling on about defense shields and payload capacities. You’re nothing but work, work, work. You know what I should have nick-named you?”

“Please, sir, not that.”

“I should have called you ‘Mr. Spock.'”

“Please, sir. If that gets around…”

“That’s it! ‘Vice President Spock.’ I like the sound of that. Well, gotta run. I have to chopper over to Ticketmaster and pick up those tickets for Mojo Nixon and Richard Thompson. Oh, oh, there’s the phone. Would you mind getting that, Dick? See ya!”

“Hello, Oval Office. Yes, this is Vice President Cheney. What? Rumsfeld had to cancel our meeting? What for? Oh, yes, the Chinese and our spy plane… I’m sorry, what did you say? Any messages? Yes, I would like to leave a message for Secretary Rumsfeld…

“Please ask him to beam me up because there’s no intelligent life here. Er… Spock, out.”