“First of all, in order to do this correctly, you have to be standing behind the person. Like this.”

“Right. By the way, are you going to see matchbox twenty?”

“Picked up my tickets today. Now, the next step is to put your arms around the other person. Like this.”

“What about starring B.B. King?”

“I’m hoping to snag some tickets next week. Anyway, back to the lesson. Notice that I’ve clenched my hands together.”

“Uh, uh. Say, did you hear that Ben Harper, Alanis Morissette and Duran Duran have all announced new dates?”

“Yeah, and so did Cowboy Junkies and Rick Springfield. But we’ll discuss that later when we have more time. Now, with my arms around you like so, and my hands clenched in front of you, I’ll pull back… like this.”


“Are you all right?”

“I… I think so. Whew, that was pretty rough. Is that all there is to it?”

“No, there’s one more step. Oh, did I mention that I’ll be seeing Diana Krall in Montreal next month?”

“No you didn’t.”

“Well, anyway, back to the lesson. Here’s the final step. I reach up, and apply pressure. Like this.”

“Uh… Uh…”

“Oh, gee, I almost forgot. Julie from the record label called and invited me to see Sade in Toronto in September. You wanna go?”

“Uh…. Uh….”

“Should be a good show.”

“Ugh… can’t…. breath… losing… consciousness…”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Sometimes I get a little carried away. Here… Feel better now?”

“Whew! That was some demonstration. I almost passed out. I never realized the Heimlich Maneuver was so rough on a person.”

“Oh, that wasn’t the Heimlich Maneuver.”

“It wasn’t? Then what was it?”

“That’s what you need to know if you ever get a job working for Insane Clown Posse.”