It’s a new week and we’re turning over a new leaf. We quit smoking this past weekend. No more sucking on the cancer sticks while processing tour dates for Sade or matchbox twenty. No more studying the dates for through a carbon monoxide haze. From now on it’s fresh air and The Eagles, as well as co-headlines like Godsmack / Deftones and Goldfinger / Reel Big Fish. Ooooh! We feel good!

And we’ve quit drinking. We’re turning our backs on that 100-year-old colorful tradition that painted tour date gatherers as the toughest boozehounds ever to bend an elbow. Yes sir, no more screwdrivers in the morning with our Maze feat. Frankie Beverly dates or quick 10:00 a.m. pick-me-ups around the company beer keg. We’ve put an end to the three martini lunches while we eyeball the latest changes for Jim White or John Mellencamp, and we’ve curtailed the practice of sitting in the alley out back, gulping down who-knows-what from unmarked bottles wrapped in brown paper bags. From this day forward you’ll see a new, improved, clean and sober Isn’t life great?

We’re also proud to say that our gambling days are behind us. No more betting on changes for Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers or Michelle Shocked, and we’ve stopped giving odds on whether or not Madonna will ever play Fresno. Just the thought of never having to sign our paychecks over to our bookies makes us want to dance and sing. We are reborn!

While we’re at it, you’ll be happy to know that we also decided to stop picking our noses. No more mining for sinus gold while processing Barenaked Ladies and Dido. No more flicking our nasal wastes upon the sales department, and we’ve said goodby to grotesque looking fingernails. From this day forward we’ll use our hands for what the good Lord made them for, like processing the schedules for Isaac Hayes and Janet Jackson. The green stains are already fading from our fingers. We can breath again!

But we can’t do it by ourselves. We need you to join us. Pour out the booze and toss the coffin nails in the trash. Forget about the point spread on Ben Harper and get that index finger out of your left nostril. From now on it will be nothing but dates for REO Speedwagon, Scorpions and Ruben Blades. With your help we can conquer these sins of the flesh. We need each other’s help in forging a better tomorrow. We need each other’s support to become better, healthier, cleaner human beings.

But most important of all, we need each other because misery loves company.