One can almost feel the pain of individual angst followed by despair when one does not have a single date for Sting, that resolute dysfunctional absence of mirth missing from deep within the soul when one cannot trace the routing for Prince from sea to shining Mel C. Yes, lacking tour dates, whether it be for Lynyrd Skynyrd, Rodney Carrington or David Lee Roth, is a gut-wrenching trip down the river of mortality as it feeds into the ocean of metaphoric self-image.

Yet there are those who pooh-pooh the need for the idyllic intellectual growth that can only be found by sorting, then resorting the dates for Pulp in alphabetical order by venue. They scoff at any hint of joyous profundity brought on by a list of shows for Radiohead as the dates twinkle in an effervescent font on the monitor. They do not understand the cerebral nourishment invoked by a reading of the Euro dates for Yes, nor the deeply inspired self-stimulation when committing the schedule for Slash’s Snakepit to a unique Kodak moment of the mind. They are the tourless, and because of that, lacking in what makes one whole.

But we shall carry on. We’ll constantly update the itineraries for bands like 2 Skinnee J’s and Charlatans UK. Unlike that childhood memory of the puppy that never got up after dashing under the steamroller, we shall rise and schlep through the sea of data upon which the concert industry sails. We’ll hand-wash the listings for U2 and Madonna. Yes, we’ll sanitize for your protection as we bring you dates for 98 Degrees and Tom Russell, and we’ll leave no stone overlooked, no cliché unturned in our quest to bring you spiritual enlightenment via the listings for Rocket From The Crypt and Fugazi. Make no mistake, you can count on us to bring light to the dark, dreary existence that one faces without the tours.

Oh, and while you’re here, how about buying a T-shirt or hat from the store? You know, just to show you care.