We’ll be accepting schedules for club tours, like Streetwalkin’ Cheetahs or Raging Slab, every other Monday, Wednesday and Friday, with the exception of alternate weeks where we will process them on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. We are staggering this schedule in a better attempt to balance the club processing, along with Sugar Ray and Saliva updates, with our daily Vanilla Ice meditation sessions.

While our offices are open 24/7, this department will be closed on Tuesdays between 3 and 5:00 p.m. Yes, we know this is an inconvenience, and we tried to tell the judge this very fact before he detailed our community service requirements. If you must send us a communication at these times, perhaps the latest schedules for Crash Test Dummies, The Jazz Crusaders, or Ashley MacIsaac, best to stick your message in a used Taco Bell bag and toss it somewhere on Highway 46, just north of the Highway 99 intersection. We’ll be the ones in the orange windbreakers.

Upper management firmly believes that sound bodies make for firm concert routings, so every Wednesday morning is gym class at Pollstar.com. Rain or shine, U.S.M.C. Sgt. Vincent Carter (retired) leads us on a full-gear, 50-kilometer hike. It may not seem like much, but he forces us to carry our entire tour database with us, and those Pantera dates can be mighty burdensome after the first five clicks. You should probably use our voice mail during those hours. Just leave your message after the ‘Shazam!”

After the hike, it’s massage time, followed by entering dates for acts like Jack Ingram and Voodoo Glow Skulls, and then our regularly scheduled wine tasting class. So far, we still love Thunderbird, but some of us are leaning towards Boones Farm while a splinter group is pushing for Ripple. We’ll let you know the outcome next week.

We realize that it may take some time to become accustomed to our new Summer hours. We should also remind you that, even though the above schedule is firm, like everything else in the concert industry it is also tentative and may change at any moment.