Why do we risk life and limb, not to mention being ostracized by all living relatives in order to dedicate our lives to the gathering of performance dates for acts like Stevie Nicks and package tours like Wotapalava and Short End Of The Stick? “But you could have been a doctor,” whine our parents over the phone as we make those obligatory calls on birthdays, Christmas, and rent days. “You could have been someone.”

Yes, we could have been a doctor. We could be saving lives instead of researching new tours for Havana Night and Ashtray Baby Head. But when you think of it, transplanting sphincters, birthing babies and curing cancer is nothing like the thrill one gets when uncovering a new date for Col. Les Claypool’s Fearless Flying Frog Brigade. But does anyone understand? Heck no.

“You could have been a lawyer,” cry our in-laws when we make those obligatory calls on anniversaries, John Lennon’s birthday and car payment day. You could have been someone.”

Ah yes, a lawyer. We could be upholding truth, justice and the Constitution. We could be defending the poor and honest people of this great nation as they make a stand for what they believe in. We could take on the dragons and vultures of corporate America. However, winning a billion dollar settlement against big tobacco or emerging victorious over a lawsuit against purveyors of hot coffee hardly matches the adrenaline rush one gets when checking out the additional acts on the Vans Warped Tour 01. But does anyone appreciate it? Hardly.

“But you could have been president,” scream our cousins when we make those obligatory phone calls on Thanksgiving, Halloween and our birthdays. “You could have been someone.”

But does anything compare with gathering dates for Sting, U2 or Eric Clapton? Sure, a president can carpet bomb a third-world country, or ravage a nature preserve in search of Texas tea, but that doesn’t even come close to the power one feels when entering dates for Janet Jackson or Beck. Besides, federal law calls for both of us to be protected by the Secret Service, so there’s hardly any difference in lifestyle or perks.

A doctor, a lawyer a president. Yes, we could be healing the sick and defending the innocent. However, we’re not too sure about being president. After all, true power lies in the perception of those being led. When one considers the mayhem, havoc and loss of life one might inflict by accidentally deleting the dates for Backstreet Boys or Neil Young, occupying the White House seems awfully insignificant. Yes, we could have been a doctor or a lawyer, but president? We don’t think so.

Besides, our grades weren’t low enough.