Anxiety Director: This person will be responsible for all anxiety-related job duties. This includes sweating out the accuracy of the Stevie Nicks itinerary, begging booking agents for updates for Warren Zevon and Summertime Slaughter and spending all non-working hours worrying that we may have missed any dates for The Beach Boys or Vince Neil that may or may not exist. The ideal candidate should possess excellent stuttering capabilities as well as the ability to break out in uncontrollable, epileptic-like seizures at a moment’s notice.

Anguish and Embarrassment Manager: This position involves coordinating all Pollstar.com communications with the representatives of artists like Livingston Taylor, Vanilla Ice and Bob Dylan, and claiming all responsibility for any human errors or computer glitches that may arise when listing dates for such artists as Skid Row or Berry, Bogguss & Dean. The ability to bend over and grab one’s ankles at a moment’s notice is not only desired but required.

Giver Of Donuts and Pain: The title speaks for itself. The ideal candidate will be well versed in all facets of pain giving, including the ancient art of bamboo insertion and hydraulic cheek inflation. Applicant should also know the difference between crullers and maple bars. Previous employment experience with Guns N’ Roses is a plus.

To be considered for any of the above positions, please send your resume, college transcripts and DNA samples, along with a non-refundable $50 processing fee, to our human resources department. Pollstar.com is an equal opportunity exploiter.